I have learned a great truth of life. We do not succeed in spite of our challenges and difficulties, but rather, precisely because of them.Richard Paul Evans (via kari-shma)
I’m blessed to have two amazing individuals as parents. If you know me at all, you’re aware that my mother is my best friend. She’s my rock. However, I don’t think most people know I have the same appreciation for my father. I don’t give him enough credit. He’s the kind of man that people just outright respect. His view on anyone’s life is that someones business is theirs and no one else. You would never catch him giving his two sense unless asked. Even then, he’ll still stay pretty neutral. He just keeps to himself. If you get passed that though and you manage to really get to know him, you’d understand. I respect his morals and loyalty tremendously. He’s reliable, perceptive, composed, genuine.. Qualities that unfortunately don’t come standard for most people. He’s one of the best listeners if you chose to confide in him. He doesn’t just hear you, he comprehends and lends the best advice. It’s not even advice necessarily.. It’s more or less just words of wisdom that make you see things in a different light. I don’t know how you would define the word wise.. To me though, wise isn’t “intelligence.” It’s going through more experiences and trials in life than the average person, yet having the least arrogance of them all… It’s having the ability to understand and to reason, to realize we’ve all struggled, to not pass judgement… He defines that in my eyes. I’m not saying he’s perfect. He’s certainly no saint. If I were to enlighten him on how highly I think of him, he would advise me that he’s nothing special. Only further concluding why I hold this much respect for him.
I really don’t care what anyone says, even him. He is truly a brilliant man and that perception will never change.
Sometimes I wonder if my posts make sense to anyone that isn’t me. I’m unable to tell how contradicting or sensible they actually may be. Either way, to outright defend myself: I like to vent which is inevitably what this entire blog comes down to. If you pass judgement than you have never loved.
I can’t believe it’s 4:17am and I’m still awake. I spent over 2 hours reading old aim conversations. You & I used to be something special. I was smiling the entire time.. The way I would smile when I was actually having the conversations. It made me forget everything that we disagree on now.. It was weird, I wanted to just hit you up as if we were still like that.. If I hadn’t signed off yahoo messenger I’m sure I would have sent you about damn near every conversation so I could remind you the way we were.
*sigh* I miss it.
I don’t have a simple mind. I’m complex, contradicting and pretty unexplainable most of the time. I try to put my thoughts into words and usually fail miserably.. But please.. Please. Don’t break me down because you can’t figure me out. I can hold a tight composure when I need to but I am not heartless. You make me feel so small Jay. You have no idea what it does to me. You used to be so kind to my heart.. It’s so unfair. I am worthy and deserving. You think I’m someone else now, but I’m not. I’m still that girl you fell for. Do I regret making the decision to walk away? Yes and no. I wanted a life with you, so yes. But, I deserve someone who would never give up in the first place, so no. You will probably never allow yourself to remember all the things you loved about me.. I know you think that it’s forever tainted, but you created that belief all by yourself. And ultimately, that ill-fate you put onto our relationship is what started this shut down. We could have gotten through anything.. But you’re going to let your long held judgements and thoughts govern your decisions instead of just letting your heart decide.
I was so willing to fit you into every part of the life I have ahead. I didn’t care about the plans I already made, I wanted to give you everything & just grow with you. I’ll never get to make you better, or make it up to you for that matter. I’ll never know what it’s like to kiss your neck or feel you next to me. See the way you walk.. Or how you look when your mad. I wanted to be able to do absolutely nothing with you and enjoy it. I wanted to make plans, memories and mistakes.. All with you. I wanted to have your heart. There was no explanation for how I could possibly feel this way.. It’s just how it was.
Look, I know you hate the blog. You hate that it reads dramatic, that I get so emotional when I write.. You think it’s ridiculous to get this worked up. You don’t understand how I care about you this much. Mostly I think you just hate that I write about you. I get it, but I don’t like saying these things to you. I’m passive aggressive in the sense that I don’t feel like I make my intended point unless I try to say it indirectly first. I need backspace if I’m going to say it how I want it perceived and understood. There are plenty of factors that make us unusual. Don’t think I’m unaware of the reality of this situation just because I write this shit like it’s only me & you. I’m not blind.. The reality is that this was just a small part of the entire life you’ve been living. The person I know, and the things I know, is not the full picture. I only see a small preview of what you allow. You live a whole life that is a mystery to me. I may not know what goes unsaid, but that doesn’t mean that I’m ignorant to the fact that I wasn’t the only thing in it. You have other things to stress about, as do I. We’re both building separate lives. Outside of whatever this was that we took part in, there’s a reality that makes this look crazy. It’s not that I get so consumed that I become oblivious to that.. I just overlooked it because I really wanted this for us.. I wish we could have made it something more but I’ll make due with what I did get to have with you. I hope you don’t forget me. We had something amazing.. Good, bad, or indifferent.. You can’t deny that.
I can’t fight for you when you won’t allow me to. I know you want me to endure all this heartache, but I just can’t do it anymore. With that said, I’m done. Done to the utmost extent. Ultimately this is what you wanted. Don’t change your mind when you start realizing everything I already knew.. This is it.
There are things I’m aware of that I refuse to come to terms with.
Like the way you don’t need me. Or how you would never stand beside me. The fact that you probably are moving on. How you will never admire, appreciate, adore or respect me again. I will forever be the girl you want to strip of dignity. That worthless one. I know it. You’ve point blank said it all yourself.. I know I need to drop it but how do I do that? You loved me. That’s what you said, no? I know what I’ve done, but.. Things like love don’t fade. How do you come to terms with something that seems so impossible? Where did you go? I miss you. I’m so sick of being alone, so please hurry up and come back.
I feel the same way today as I did yesterday. It’ll be the same story tomorrow. I don’t know how to make you leave my mind. Even when I have a million things to worry about, and a whole new opportunity waiting, here I am. My heart won’t heal. It doesn’t know how right now I guess.. I’m still working on figuring that out. I thought I knew you through and through. I never doubted that I was the girl that had you, that could count on you for everything.. cause I was the one you called yours. But you’re making me feel like I never knew you at all. Technically, I didn’t. I mean, I never knew any of your annoying flaws. I never knew how you would treat me around other people. I never knew your routines, your habits, what side of the bed you prefer, or what makes you tick. Looking back on everything, I can’t even tell you what I fell in love with. Anything I would list, turns out, was not the real you. I trusted you to be that person. I’m holding on to the hope that it wasn’t a front. That you are that amazing guy with a huge heart. The one only I could handle.. Only I got to love. It gets harder to believe every day though. But I’d also like to assume that you don’t realize who I am either. If you really could see through me, this would make sense. My mistakes, my fronts, my silences, my freakouts. All the mess that comes along with me, you would understand the real me. You wouldn’t call bullshit every time I try to tell you how I feel. I can understand I’m not easy to love, but falling out of love doesn’t happen. You just never were. I was slowly becoming a disaster when you met me.. But you made me better again. I never had to heal with my last situation, because you just did that instantly. It changed everything when you walked into my life. You put me back together… Then sucked the life out of me. You basically tore up my emotions 10x harder than they ever could have been. Now I get restless cause my hearts unstable.. therefore it’s making my thoughts unstable. I don’t know which way is up anymore. I just can’t grasp the concept I guess... I gave you the real me, all of me.. And you left. It’s easy to love someone when their perfect, but it only means something if that stays with you when you find the flaws. I’m coming to terms with it, I fought and I lost. Eventually I’ll shut the fuck up and get over it.. But, until I do get there, it will continue to break me that we never loved the same. I get that you’re insensitive, but you weren’t always this way with me. You made yourself this important in my life.. There was no other option for you originally. You wanted to have me and be with me, no matter what. I fell for all of that.. Aside from the fact that I am nothing to you now, it’s the “not knowing” that kills me too. Not knowing when you decided it was nothing. The moment that you could be fine without me.. Just leave for good. Not knowing why you lied about that.
The heartbreak is worse than the happiness of being in love. It’s the shittiest trade off ever and it’s making me so damn bitter. I wonder when it will be too much to take..
It’s endless. Seriously. I keep saying I forfeit a long time ago, but it’s never over. I know I create my fate by remaining caught up but I can’t fucking shake it. I was talking to my ex John last night for like an hour. He’s my one ex boyfriend that I’ve remained friends with. We don’t try to catch up or keep in touch by any means. We just respect each other and say hello every now and then. It’s refreshing to know I didn’t completely fail someone. Last night he needed to vent because his new relationship is about to face what him and I were so nervous about for 4 years. While we were dating we always knew his plan. After college he was to fully enlist in the military once he completed his ROTC. He’s never let anything get in the way of his dreams to be delta force. That’s his determined destiny that we prepared for. Well, now that time has come for him and his new girl and he’s a mess. He’s graduating soon and then he’s gone. Hearing about the way he talked about his new girl was wild. He’s crazy in love with her. I mean like, crazzzzzy about her. No where near the amount he felt for me, and I wasn’t even offended or jealous. I’m sincerely happy for him. What I couldn’t get over though after that whole talk was trying to imagine my current heart hi-jacker moving on this way. Imagining him being completely consumed with love over someone else is.. Idk.. Indescribable I guess. I believe all love can fail or succeed no matter how much of it there is.. But how do you move on from that indescribable kind? I wish there was a handbook. The sad reality is that I’m the only one who needs answers. I was the fool who fell harder. I will be absolutely miserable, while he becomes blissfully happy.